We’d be better off with a few more Average Joes

Joe Sixpack

Just an Average Joe

We often hear of the so-called ‘Average Joe.’ But, who is he, really?

Does Joe have a page on Facebook? Probably not. He prefers the telephone network to social networks. And, telephones are properly used to tell your buddy the game is on, to order pizza, and call your momma.

Joe knows politics. Joe votes.

Joe keeps convenience store owners in business. He keeps the memory of Elvis alive and makes Gatlinburg and Branson modern day Mecca’s.

Is Joe smarter than a fifth grader? (Yes!)

He keeps sleeveless shirts in fashion, Friday night high school football well attended, and NASCAR roaring on.

He knew who Hulk Hogan was before Gladiators and has seen all the Rocky sequels. Joe knows Chuck Norris and Sylvester Stallone are American heroes.

Joe appreciates fine cinema with classic selections like Dirty Harry, Apocalypse Now, Dances with Wolves, and anything with John Wayne or Jack Nicholson. Joe knows that Kramer vs. Kramer, The Color Purple, and anything on Lifetime or with Richard Dreyfus in it (except possibly Jaws) are for sissies.

Joe loves his momma. He knows his momma is the finest woman to ever live and his wife is a lot like her.

Joe can appreciate French fries, chili, and hot dogs without worrying if any are going to his hips. Joe orders a real cup of Joe, rich black brew best appreciated in a Styrofoam cup with guys named Bubba down at the factory, not biscotti chomping yuppies and financier dandies down at Starbucks.

Joe knows that “stock” refers to cows, as in livestock, and not pieces of paper with scantily clad drawings of lady justice in the corner. Joe knows that if you own a company you unlock the door in the morning and your name with “& Sons” goes on the sign above the door.

Joe doesn’t buy futures, but he does buy pork bellies. Oil comes in three versions, crude, castor, and canola.

When it comes to entertainment, Average Joe knows the Beach Boys are better than the Beetles and Lynyrd Skynyrd, the Allman Brothers, and Charlie Daniels play real music. Joe also knows who Porter Waggoner, Johnny Cash, John Denver, Charlie Pride, and Conway Twitty are, even if he can’t name any of their biggest hits. Joe avoids tight jean wearing, long haired, wanna-be country bands that have artsy names. Joe knows hip-hop is what bunny-rabbits do.

Joe loves his preacher and goes to church, at least on Mother’s Day, Christmas, Easter, and sometimes on July 4, especially if special music includes the Lee Greenwood song, “Proud to Be an American.” Joe has a family Bible proudly displayed on the coffee table and it’s stuffed full of birth announcements, a few obituaries, and a greeting card he received long ago.

Joe knows that real men drive pickups, go fishing, and eat Vienna sausages right out of the can. It’s not inappropriate to burp discreetly and beef jerky is the real man’s prime rib.

Joe has never used the square root button on a calculator, but, then again, Joe doesn’t need a calculator because he can do simple math in his head. Joe knows when someone is laughing at his simple ways but he is too polite to say anything. His momma taught him that.

But he’ll knock you in the head for insulting women, kicking a dog, or being unpatriotic. His daddy taught him that.

Joe isn’t quite sure what a psychiatrist is but knows he doesn’t need one.

Joe knows that freedom isn’t free and he’s willing to volunteer. He respects soldiers, firemen, and policemen and the job they do. He says “yes, ma’am” and “no sir” when talking to adults and treats kids like kids.

Joe bows his head during prayer and doesn’t think its un-American to pray at football games. He gives to charity but also believes that charity begins at home. He believes in the second amendment.

Average Joe is a rare breed; he’s an endangered species. But, America would be a better place if we had more Joe’s.

Photo Credit: Pixabay, public domain